Choosing to love instead of hate
I just listened to an Oscar winner declare, “I’ve always chosen to love instead of hate, and I’m here.”
I’ve been struggling, off and on for over a year (really, for years and years), with feelings of hatred. The last year or so has been tougher, for me, because of my work to put my past behind me.
There have been days when sending unconditional love has been easy as pie.
Other days, the hatred rises in my throat and becomes bile, souring my stomach and giving me a headache.
I start to hyperventilate.
When this happens, I close my eyes and repeat, “I choose to love, I choose to love, I choose to love.”
Within a few minutes, my head stops throbbing, my breathing becomes regular again, and I know that I won’t vomit after all.
Hate is not about a person, singular OR plural.
It’s about what is inside of me, not anybody else.
Screaming with rage at others keeps me rooted in the past, in what was instead of what is and what can be.
My bad days visit me less often, and I think that I’m doing a better job of deflecting the rage that has lived with me since the age of five.
Will it (the rage) ever really go away?
Jeez Louise, I hope so.
I want to feel the lightness that comes with joy and love.
I need to move forward, to take what I’ve learned from the past and do something different with my life.
My job, for the rest of my days, is to live each day as fully as possible.
How the hell do I do this?
By loving, pure and simple.
Myself first, then others.
By fighting off the rage that consumes me sometimes, by reminding myself that I’ve made it this far by moving forward, and by thanking (yes thanking) those who hurt me, all of them.
What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, right?
I see myself as a warrior woman, complete with karate kicks and ancient swords, ready to do battle with the feelings that are self-destructive and self-defeating.
Wow, that’s heavy shit!
And I’ve just been watching the Academy Awards!
If you have taken the time to read this far, thanks a lot.
That’s all I’ve got for now.
And by the way, the birthday party was great fun!